Umit GumustenNegotiation is everywhere, from closing business deals to workplace dynamics, and even the decision on where to take the next family vacation. Success versus frustrating impasse often hinges on one pivotal factor: strategy. And when it comes to the mastery of strategic negotiation, few better examples exist than diplomats.
The lives of diplomats are spent negotiating, whether the negotiation of peace between warring nations, the terms of a trade agreement, or an international treaty. To be able to forge through tense situations with composure and always to keep one’s set objectives in sight is nothing short of remarkable.
But the best part? You don’t have to be in the UN to learn from them. The same principles can be applied in business, personal relationships, and even daily life.
Let’s go into the psychology behind each of these strategies and how we can apply them to become better negotiators in all facets of life.
Active Listening Can Be a Strong Weapon
One of the worst mistakes an individual can make in negotiations is coming into them with the conviction that it’s all about speaking -actually, convincing the other party to see things your way. But seasoned diplomats know that effective negotiations are actually more about listening than talking. Not just passive listening, mind you, but active listening.
Active listening means fully focusing on the other person, understanding their concerns, and picking up on what’s not being said. It means placing yourself in their shoes. And when you do that, you’ll find the real motivations behind their stance, perhaps tucking away hard for one particular point because of some unvoiced fear or a priority that isn’t immediately obvious.
This is crucial in the business world. Perhaps you are trying to negotiate a partnership deal with another company, and you have to make sure your goals are met; you may overlook the fact that what they are most concerned about is retaining control over their brand’s image.
You can make a proposition that would alleviate their concerns because you picked up on that, and still end up with what you needed.
People are most willing to compromise when they are heard.
In fact, active listening finds a place even in personal life. Imagine you and your partner debating where to live. Where, by actively listening, it might dawn on you that their push for a particular location may be inspired by their needs with respect to community or proximity to family, rather than the location per se. That insight opens the door for creative solutions that work for both of you.
Remain Emotionally Removed, Yet Empathetic
Diplomats often come into rooms where the tension is high, people are emotional, and one wrong word will start the fire. The key to their success? They stay emotionally detached from it all but remain deeply empathetic toward the other party.
It’s a delicate balance. The emotional removal serves them to be clear-headed and keep their emotions in check. Just think of a diplomat negotiating a cease-fire. The moment they get too emotional, attached to the negotiation outcome, they are bound to make impulsive decisions, surge into action, or not notice some important details.
So, emotional detachment applies on equal measures in business negotiations, too: when you get overly attached to one specific outcome, you risk being blinded by that very wish and losing sight of better options. By keeping cool, calm, and collected, you will be able to keep flexible and adapt to the conversation as it flows.
But this doesn’t mean turning the emotions off completely. It is equally important to show empathy. Empathy lets you connect with the other party on a human level that you understand their needs and concerns.
When people feel they are being understood, they’re more willing to work toward a solution. And that’s whether you’re negotiating a multimillion-dollar contract or trying to get your kids to do their homework.
The “Win-Win” Mentality
One of the first things they teach diplomats is that negotiation isn’t about winning; it’s about finding a solution that works for both sides. When both parties leave the table feeling like they’ve gained something, the agreement is more likely to last.
We call it the “win-win” mentality, and it pays dividends in negotiations. For instance, if two countries are working out a trade agreement and if one pushes just a little bit, that country feels good, but the other country walks away feeling cheated, which hurts the relationship. If both parties bend a little and receive a little, however, the result is a stable agreement.
Many go into business negotiations with the incorrect mentality of a win-lose situation. For them to win, the other party has to lose. This is short-sighted. You may drive a hard bargain with a supplier to arrive at the lowest price with that supplier. The supplier may agree, but to make up for the losses, they cut corners on the quality of the product. You end up with a substandard product. You have lost both ways.
Instead, try the win-win approach: Understand what the other party values and look for creative ways to give them that while still achieving your goals. This may mean offering flexibility on delivery times in exchange for a better price or offering up a longer contract term in a way that benefits both parties. The key is to walk away from the table with a deal that feels fair and mutually beneficial.
Timing Is Everything
Diplomats know when to push, when to pull back, and when to allow the moment of silence to say it all. Sometimes the most appropriate thing that you can do in any negotiation is nothing.
Many of us, in the fervor of negotiations, are often tempted to fill up each silence or to answer immediately after every point raised. But seasoned negotiators understand the value of patience. Sometimes, leaving a point hanging in the air for a moment may give space for the other party to reflect and probably change their stance.
This could be holding back an offer in a business context when the other party is under pressure. Probably, you negotiate a renewal of contract and know full well that the other company is in financial trouble; by waiting, you might find them to be more yielding or giving way when the time draws near.
Timing in more day-to-day situations makes all the difference as well. Suppose you are trying to negotiate an increase in salary. Timing that request so that your boss is in a good mood or immediately after successfully completing a project can obviously make your chances of getting what you want much greater.
Framing the Negotiation
The framing of the negotiation can dramatically change the outcome. The diplomatic negotiator is a master at framing; that is, at presenting an offer in such a way that it is easier for the other side to accept.
The underlying psychology is simple: how one perceives a situation shapes how one responds to it.
Let’s take an example from business. You negotiate with a client who is pushing for a lower price. You reframe this negotiation not as some ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to his request, but in terms of the value he is getting.
Emphasize the way your product or service saves money for them over the long term, enhances the efficiency, or diminishes the risk. You have shifted the conversation away from price to value, therefore shifting the conversation of their perspective, and you are more likely to raise leverage in this case.
This can even be applied to your personal life as well. Assume you want to negotiate a curfew with your teenager. Instead of “I’m setting these rules for you, now,” you could rephrase it as, “These rules help keep you safe.” A slight nuance, but makes the other party far more open to hearing your point.
Managing Information Strategically
Information is power in any negotiation, and diplomats know how to manage it. They know just what to reveal and when to reveal it. It is part of any high-stakes negotiation: too early, you show your full hand, and immediately you are at a disadvantage; too late, you hold back just enough information to give yourself leverage.
Now, take business as a better example: how you show your financials if you are about to get acquired. If you show too much on the first date, that gives the other side a reason to negotiate you down. But strategically showing the most favorable figures up front may frame the conversation in a positive direction and establish your strength in the deal.
It works the same in everyday life. If you are negotiating something as trivial as the price for a house repair, telling him that you are urgently in need of the service might make him quote higher. Instead, negotiate without urgency, which maintains the balance in the course of the negotiation.
But a balance must be achieved. Too much reserve can generate distrust. The effective negotiator may provide enough information to engender trust but withhold that information which provides leverage.
Building Trust and Credibility
As diplomats know well, trust is the bedrock of any successful negotiation. Remove trust, and negotiations break down. Trust does not only make people more willing to concede; it also makes them more open towards sharing information that may lead to a mutually beneficial solution.
In business, this can either be a big factor that could make or break a deal. If people perceive you to be honest and trustworthy, then they will be more willing to give a nod for a deal even when there is some disagreement over certain points. If your reputation happens to be shady, no matter how good your offer might be, people will never want to make a deal.
Transparency and consistency build trust. One should not make promises one cannot keep. Be honest regarding your capabilities and limitations, and once having come to an agreement, follow through on your part. With time, these little things add up and build a very solid base of trust which will help in future negotiations.
Equally important is trust in daily life. It may be a negotiation with the spouse, friend, or colleague, but being reliable and open in your intentions certainly builds trust, making it easier, quicker, and more productive when negotiations need to take place in the future.
Effective Use of Nonverbal Communication
Diplomats are masters at reading the room literally. Sometimes, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice reveal far more than words. Sometimes, just a brief moment of hesitation, crossed arms, or raised eyebrow may afford you an invaluable line on how the other party feels about things, what they are taking in from your points.
This is a very important skill in the business arena. Imagine sitting in a tense meeting with a potential client when, across the table, you catch his body language closing off -arms crossed, leaning back in the chair- and suspect he might be losing interest or getting turned off. That’s your cue to switch gears: ask a question, or directly address their concerns.
Even in personal negotiations, non-verbal communication plays a huge role. Create a scenario where one is bargaining over chores with their roommate. Imagine themselves in that situation and notice how the other person starts fidgeting or looking away whenever a certain chore comes up; that could be their sign that they truly don’t want that chore, and perhaps using that as a bargaining chip can get them closer to a more reasonable solution.
Never Hurry the Process
One of the worst mistakes any amateur negotiator makes is to hurry to a close. The diplomats know that patience is a virtue in negotiation. They go with slow steps, even in situations where there is immense pressure to make a quick decision. Speed begets mistakes and missed information; sometimes, it even leads to deals falling apart later on.
It’s very tempting in business to want to seal a deal as quickly as possible. Maybe you want to make that sales figure, or perhaps you’re worried that delaying will cost you the opportunity.
But the faster you move, the more at risk you are of being in an even weaker position. Taking the time necessary to amass all the information and consider its implications on long-term considerations weighing your options, will get you a better outcome.
Patience also pays off in everyday life. Suppose you’re trying to buy a new car. For example, if the car salesman is trying to get you to hurry up and make your decision, buying time for yourself to think over the offer and maybe even leave can show that you are not desperate, thus turning the tables in your favor.
Bottom Line
Strategic negotiation is an art -a trait- that combines aspects of psychology, patience, and strategy. Whether it is closing a major business deal, treading through personal relationships, or simply working out a disagreement at home, knowledge of what principles the diplomats use can give one a powerful edge.
From active listening and emotional detachment to information management and trust-building skills, these are techniques that might not only be applied for the purposes of an international treaty but also in the most trivial everyday situations.
The more you practice it, the more natural such techniques will become for you, making it easier to get better results and closer relationships from everyone involved.
